Demystifying Cunnilingus.

Warning: If you've not already sussed it - probably best not to read this in front of the boss.

Other Warning: If you're easily offended by the open discussions of sex, this may not be the post (or the blog, for that matter) for you.

Greetings Chaps and Chapesses.

As you might have guessed, today's topic is an educational one, its necessity brought into rather glaring focus for me throughout the recent audition process.

As it turns out, despite machinations and unsubstantiated claims to the contrary, nearly every man I meet, infuriatingly most men lots of men are absolutely bloody clueless about how to give good head.

This is a situation to which I feel it my duty - as resident sex kitten in this particular corner of the interweb - to lend a helping hand.

To extend the snatch of friendship, if you will.

*cough*

You see, I think we women are really quite unfair to men.

On one hand (and sometimes in two, but only if you're really lucky), we have the penis. Reasonably straightforward and requiring very little by way of operating know-how. And yes, of course you can get creative and interesting with your technique, but there's a basic in and out motion required to get the desired result and as long as you roughly master this, you're doing alright.

Then we have the vagina. Lady flower, vajayjay, bajingo, snatch (my personal favourite) - whatever your particular choice of term, its certainly not what one would call "user friendly". There are folds and hidden bits and some have innies and some have outies and if there were ever an operators manual created (what a MARVELOUS idea), its size and spread would rival that of War and Peace.

It's unfair to men for us to just expect that they'll know what to do when they get down there, and yet so many of us are disinclined to give instruction, as we "would rather not teach".

Bollocks.

If someone doesn't take pity on the poor sods and explain a thing or two, how will they ever learn? And furthermore, the longer they go without proper instruction, the more we have to put up with persons such as last night's contender for the open Harem place - a man so confused by the lady maze that I actually stopped him in the middle to suggested a cup of tea before he left. Straight away.

Yes. That bad.

But there's good news boys. The truth is that, despite a woman's many varied preferences, there are a few rather simple instructions which should help you to avoid the awkward mid-(pre)-coital tea offering and at least get the ladies suitably warmed up, if not breathless and begging for round two.

So let's start with a simple diagram, shall we?

"Lady Flower"

<------- Lady Flower image, courtesy of Microsoft Paint* and Georgia O'keefe**.

*Please forgive my Paint skills, as I haven't Annah's flare for this.*

** Also thanks to Georgia O'keefe, whose paintings pretty much all look like a vag.**

As you can see, boys (Or girls, if you like.), there aren't actually all that many bits with which to contend. Two possible entrance holes (depending on your persuasive skills and her tolerance for pain), two sets of "lips", and the ever elusive citoris - a tiny little button which on some women you can find easily and on some you can't. Not to worry, boys. Believe me, it's always roughly in the same place. Concentrate your efforts here, and you're golden.

So that's the anatomy.

Now, lets talk briefly about technique, which can pretty much be summed up in four words, which I'd like you to commit to memory and repeat over and over (to yourself, probably) the next time you're faced with the job of orally pleasing a woman:

More lips, less tongue.

Shall I go ahead and write it twice, enlarge and italicise it, just to be sure?

More. Lips. Less. Tongue.

Let's examine the logic of this statement for a moment. As you'll notice from my (rather creepy, I admit) diagram, women have, not one but TWO sets of "lips". Three, if you count the face. Are her facial lips for poking, flicking or stabbing at with your tongue?

I think not.

Women enjoy oral sex because it is a softer, warmer, more sensual experience than intercourse. A penis is for thrusting. Fingers are occasionally for poking or prodding (In lesson two we'll explore the joys of the finger-enhanced cunnilingus technique, but let's just keep things simple for now). But lips? Yours or hers, they're for kissing (and sucking lightly, of course).

The other thing to bear in mind about technique is that you have to change things up a bit. Think of a good massage. The masseuse may focus on "key areas", but they will change direction, location, intensity and pressure throughout the massage, to ensure that the muscles get the best possible workout. Same rules apply to snatch-licking. (What, too graphic?)

Thirdly (and lastly for now, as I've surely lost nearly every follower I have by this point), my last bit of advice is simple and (one would think) self explanatory:

Just f*cking pay attention, will you?

If we like what's going on down there, we'll let you know. We'll moan, we'll arch, we'll squeeze your hand. Just keep doing what you're doing and please, for the love, do NOT ask us if we're enjoying it.

If I wanted a chat I wouldn't have occupied your mouth. Attempting to chat mid-head is a guaranteed one way ticket way to Lipton town.

And there you have it - a few helpful hints from moi a vous.

I would never suggest that following these instructions will make you the greatest head-giver in the history of Danielle Steel novels. (That position is in fact already occupied by the Pilot - quite possibly the only reason I keep that one around.) But I do hope I've helped to unmask some of the mystery surrounding a lady's "red velvet love cavern" (best romance novel quote EVER).

Cribbs notes provided for a small fee.

Now away! Away and cunnilingus to your (lady friend's) hearts content!

And do feel free to report back on progress/feedback received.

Alternatively, you may send thank yous in the form of Jimmy Choos and/or naked photos of Javier Bardem.