Apologies, dear readers for getting all preachy on you earlier this week. I have since accepted the inevitable downfall of the female sex, consumed a cocktail (or twenty), and returned to my usual shallow, narcissistic, over-sexed homeostatic state (Now with new cynicism!) to discuss a far more pertinent question with you - the importance of variety and its relation to, well, orgasms.
As you may recall from my recent frustrations with, let's just call them "spontaneous exchanges", I have been thinking of Arabia; specifically the absolute genius that is the principle of the harem.
Bollocks to feminist, "kept women" objections, I'm talking about selection here, people (I'm also I'm talking about loosely kept men, which is so much yummier a concept). I'm talking about a selection of tried, tested, ranked and filed boyz, who require (merit?) no commitment, but are happy to oblige my sexual whims as and when I call on them. (Take issue with THAT, feminazi's.) (<--term "feminazi" not mine, but stolen brazenly from something I read recently, and can't for the life of me remember the URL to. Just consider it credited.) Never mind picking up unknowns at pubs, gallery exhibitions or the ever-reliable man pond that is Starbucks. I've decided that the keeping of an assortment of proven performers, available on short notice, and happy to bugger off at the end of an evening (or possibly apres breakfast if the company is decent) is the ideal solution to the conundrum of the (happily) single and every so slightly oversexed commitment-phob that is yours truly.
And so a harem it is, boys and girls.
At present, I have narrowed the selection down to five, all of whom are listed below in a very slightly relevant order. I present them to you, readers, and welcome input and/or suggestions to fill any gaps in my selection.
One wants to ensure well-roundedness, after all.
The Spaniard: Um, yeah. Let's be honest. He's first on the list for a reason. A long, slightly upward curving reason...
Looks (Listed first because I'm shallow): Above average and deliciously dark.
Company: Average, though the laugh is particularly infectious and the selection of dining establishments always absolutely top notch.
Performance betwixt les sheets: Legendary. Has actually made a girlfriend of mine say, "I think he may have broken me" (Sweet girl, but an amateur, really.). Is eerily quiet, mid coitus, which is slightly unnerving, but could (and really should) give lessons in kissing.
The Brit: Second due to slight emotional attachment (unfortunate, but I'm working on it).
Looks: Good. Even very good. Blond hair and sad blue eyes, he's got the manly, rugby player thing going and I do love an alpha male.
Company: Generally of a very high standard indeed, hence the aforementioned emotions. One of the few who can match me in banter and who doesn't let me get away with anything.
Performance betwixt les sheets: Well intentioned and eager to please (albeit rarely successful). Slightly too keen to enter the exit, if you get my meaning, and I am standing firm that until he masters the front door, the back will remain securely locked. Baby steps.
The Pilot: Every girl's guilty pleasure.
Looks: Well above average - of mixed ethnicity and the perfect specimen of "tall dark and handsome". If by handsome you mean square jawed and full lipped, with a clean-shaven head, great muscles and an ACTUAL third leg (really, it was terrifying at first glance). Oh that IS what you meant? Groovy. Same page and all that.
Company: Brilliant, if you love getting p*ssed and talking absolute bollocks with a bunch of military pilots. Also kind of a cock.
Performance betwixt les sheets: Pretty fecking spectacular, it has to be said.
The Number Cruncher: Distressingly cute office guy...never a good idea. (Well, except the once.)
Looks: Nearly equal to the Brit, but in a slightly different way. Big smile, twinkling brown eyes, always exceptionally well dressed. Spends his evenings training for marathons, so slightly on the skinny side, but forgivably so.
Company: Not bad if you are interested in All Subjects Number Cruncher. Otherwise, there are few topics on the table.
Performance betwixt les sheets: Delightfully passionate and every so slightly aggressive. Yum.
The Kid: Twenty-something barman who writes poetry and plays the guitar. (Don't they all?)
Looks: Very tall, slightly lanky, but with black hair, blue eyes and a brooding demeanor. Very tasty indeed.
Company: Average at the very best. This happens when in the company of twenty something men. One looks to other areas for compensation.
Performance betwixt les sheets: Decidedly competent despite relatively low experience level. A responsive and absorbed student.
Now I'm hoping that I have covered all of the man bases here, having weeded out The Actor, The Professor and The Guy I Saw Last Night at the Pub (who couldn't be properly ranked. due to presence of female companion.).
Hopefully this select few (whose positions may have to be rearranged/substituted from time to time) will keep me frequenting the train to "O"-Town without need to stop regularly for a nap in "Relationship Ville" or wind up disappointed in "Stranger City". What say you readers? Brilliant plan or train bound for nowhere?
Barring any objections or recommendations from the crowd, I suppose I should deliver the good news.
I really must get myself a calendar...
11 of your inappropriate thoughts.:
Regrettably, you weren’t even born yet when I was young, virile, and at my best. I’d give my left nut to have a time machine so I could join your harem. :-)
I'll take one pilot and number cruncher to go please. Actually - can I get them express delivered? Do they comes in a variety of accents and colours? I like aussie accents, but I'll take what I can get.
I'm pretty frustrated that the zombie dating site I've been a member of hasn't brought back any viable suitors. ...the fast-moving types are too quick. shit.
Miss K, it't not often that I hear that such a lovely young lady as you will take what you can get.
I may have snow on my roof, but I still have a fire of desire blazing in my fireplace, and you can get me any time, any place, any way that pleasures you. :-)
This is too funny... have I mentioned recently how glad I am that you found my blog/me? Cause I am... just in case you weren't sure!
Oh Don, dearest, don't talk rubbish! Those are very valuable assets and the loss of one would make you feel far less...balanced?...than you do now. Just incidentally, however, it would totally be worth it. ;-)
Miss K, Number Cruncher comes complete with British accent, though the pilot is, sadly, an American, so nothing exotic there. Shame about the zombie site results; one would think the success rate would be higher given that, well, I should think you'd not have a HUGE amount of competition. Have you sent in a photo yet??
Mel, sweetness, of course you are! It's only natural. (By which I mean, thanks very much, of course.) ;-)
- B
Oh, can we do a life swap for just one day? You are naughtily hilarious!
After briefly reading a bit of Average Girl’s blog I can understand why she wants a life swap for at least a day.
THANK YOU THANK YOU for allowing me to live thru you vicariously. I love the audition process too! (I mean, I've never been lucky enough to hand held one...) Now go tell them to walk like a lettuce and dance as if they were color blue! (Actual theatre audition process I witnessed)
THANK YOU THANK YOU for allowing me to live thru you vicariously. I love the audition process too! (I mean, I've never been lucky enough to hand held one...) Now go tell them to walk like a lettuce and dance as if they were color blue! (Actual theatre audition process I witnessed)
Oh, can we do a life swap for just one day? You are naughtily hilarious!
The competative part of me wants to one-up you, but the realist in me tells me this is impossible, so I will just continue to watch fascinated... hehe...
Thanks for the delicious descriptions...
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