I received an email this morning from a would-be Mummy reader who was decidedly conflicted over her love of this fledgling blog-ette of mine...
She was basically torn between her outrage at my "obvious disdain for motherhood" and my "snarky, no-holds barred outlook on life" (merci beaucoup), with which she apparently identified strongly.
(Or would like to, if it weren't for the leaden ankle weights of her three children... What? too much?)
Anyway, it is on her first assertion that I would now like to comment, to give clarity to those of you who may share in her understandable frustration.
So let me be clear.
I view neither motherhood nor mothers with ANY form of disdain whatsoever.
Wait, let me enlarge the font and restate more plainly.
Motherhood is amazing to me and mothers rock*.
*Must caveat this by saying that the aforementioned "amazing" mothers include only those who are still individuals with something to say and some form of remaining sense of self.
I think that the female body is bloody incredible and that pregnancy and birth are miracles (insofar as an atheist can believe in miracles) of nature.
Side note: It has to be said that, sexually I'm big on nipple stimulation. So, fascinating as the female body is, the thought of my breasts becoming food sources really REALLY freaks me out...
But I digress.
The disdain you sense, Mummy X (as I've touchingly dubbed her, mostly because I can't be arsed to come up with something more clever), is with society's demands of women. It's with the pitying glances exchanged between people who simply cannot fathom a woman not WANTING children and therefore presume I'm just "not ready yet" or somehow deluded. It's all the bloody PRESSURE for which I have disdain, not Mummies in general.
I'm just simply not the Mummy type, X, (note: to all of my American readers, Mummy is British for Mom and as I live here now, I gotta represent) and I shall tell you why -
The Barreness's Top Ten List of Personality Flaws (read: Traits of Awesomeness) Which Preclude Her From Reproduction.
The Barreness is...
1. Vain
2. Selfish
3. Self absorbed
4. Occasionally neurotic
5. Materialistic
6. Uncompromising
7. Work-obsessed
8. Commitment-phobic
9. Still convinced that she will become a rock star someday (an occupation NOT conducive to child rearing)
10. Often fond of referring to herself in the third person. (Not really relevant, but still a slight character weakness on which I'm working.)
Now, I don't know who among you would advocate such a person bringing life into the world, but I certainly wouldn't.
Furthermore, I am just totally uncomfortable around children. I wouldn't use the word hate (yes I would), but I stand firmly behind "find annoying".
And I don't believe the rubbish about "feeling different about it when it's your own" kid -
Someone told me once that I wouldn't mind dog smell and cleaning up shit when it was from MY dog.
Well, I got a damned dog and I hated the bloody thing. So I gave him to someone who didn't mind shovelling shit all afternoon and went out for cocktails with a girlfriend instead.
You can't do that with children, apparently.
Such is life.
Anyway, X, I hope that gives you an insight and alleviates some of the stress of your inner tug of war.
Because really, I only enjoy causing that level of angst in men.
8 of your inappropriate thoughts.:
KUDOS! Seriously...children are my worst nightmare. I love my own mother- she was selfless and fantastic and kind…and I respect others’ decision to have children. But I just don’t think that I was “meant to be a mom” or that I was put on the earth to reproduce. Do people judge me? YES. Do I give a fuck? NOPE.
Just because you have ovaries, doesn't mean you should be a mom.
I am just not a kids person. They do not like me- so I don't feel particularly guilty about not liking them.
Now, I am not coldhearted. I love my friends' children and family members' children. I play Mousetrap, I color, I run around with them- but that is because they are well behaved and cute as buttons….and have a solid return policy.
So I not only APPLAUD your decision- but I will stand next to you, hold my cocktail high a toast- "TO US!"
I saw this and thought of you!
http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/
Absolutely fecking brilliant. Actually made me feel sorry for the breeders...
But then I went for a spur of the moment cocktail with a girlfriend and suddenly felt much MUCH better.
-B
Dear GOD I could not agree more. Half my friends are at this very moment having baby freakouts and getting all gooey eyed around strangers children.
And I have a distinct inability to find most kids cute and usually end up interacting with them in a SERIOUSLY uncomfortable way involving hand shakes and questions about their stock portfolios.
There are occasionally kickass kids but they are the ones you are fairly certain were simply BORN cool and are going to become head cheerleaders and football players. At which point they will realize they are too cool for me and I'll be forced to hate those little shits....
Always glad to meet another sister of The Childless (and therefore happy and sexually fulfilled) Brigade, Bronwyheart.
Loving your blog, BTW, and very flattered indeed that you stopped by.
I have been extraordinarily fortunate in the quality of my commenters thus far (Possibly because I'm so damned picky about where I comment!).
Vive les childless ones!
- B
People who want children the least are probably the most qualified to actually raise them. Normally, when I think of someone who really REALLY wants to have a child, I think of a pudgy 19 year old trailer park girl who really REALLY wants to have a baby the same as she really REALLY can't wait to see the next "Saw" movie.
People who don't want to have kids frequently in my experience tend to be more driven and goal oriented. More self fulfilled. More likely to step up to the plate and raise a human being.... not another little monster.
That said, I gotta tell you that I just recently wrote a blog post about my own nipples (I am a "dude", or a "man" or a "penis-bearer"). My nipples bring me no satisfaction. I envy your sexual nipple euphoria.
also: your blog seems cool. I fuckin' love seeing the word "fuck" in print, surrounded by articulate writing and thought.
http://arealgoodblog.blogspot.com
Charles, my dear, most lovely to meet you, and thanks for the compliments.
Though I must say I choked slightly on my cappuccino when I read your apologetic admission of being a "penis bearer" - a description I've not come across before but enjoyed immensley.
I may come across as a bti of a man hater in this wee blog but, in actual fact, I regard vapid, stupid women with far more distain than even the most calous of womaniser.
After all, if we weren't so fucking stupid, we wouldn't let men get away with half of the shit they get away with... ;-)
Also very sad to hear about the numbness of nip from which you appear to suffer. You really ought to look into that, as I hear ice cubes/icy hot/some combination of the two can be very nice for the boyz as well.
Look into it. ;-)
Uh-mazing post. You already know my deal, although I LOVE LOVE children :) And would be ecstatic to have one someday but when I'm ready. Everyone always asks, "Well what if when you're ready you're ovaries have dried out and you can't" and my answer's always the same "Then so be it, it was destiny."
Sorry, but I'm not trying to fulfill anyone else's dreams of child rearing. I need to do it when I WANT TO. Not when other people want me to. What kind of bullshit is that?!
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